


Touch

by rinthegreat



Series: Random Hat Prompts [4]
Category: Free!
Genre: Friendship, I'm so sorry, Loss, Love, M/M, Oh god, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, This is the saddest thing I've ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-18
Updated: 2014-12-18
Packaged: 2018-03-02 01:03:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2794082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rinthegreat/pseuds/rinthegreat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’m never gonna get to touch him again.”</p>
<p>MakoRin Week Day 4: Touch</p>
            </blockquote>





	Touch

**Author's Note:**

> Random Hat Prompt 54: Makoto is dead and Rin is depressed
> 
> I haven't been looking forward to writing this prompt, but I have been thinking about it for awhile. I hope you enjoy.

            Rin clings to him in his sleep.  That is, on the rare occasion he ever goes to sleep.  And even then it’s only for a few hours at best.  Most nights he stays up late doing nothing; staring out the window with the light off.  Haru’s seen him do it.  He doesn’t nod off; he doesn’t doze.  He just sits on a chair, his legs curled up under him, staring out the window until morning.

            The circles under his eyes are getting darker, and his body’s getting thinner.  Haru probably outweighs him by now.  When Rin first came to stay with him, Haru tried making meats and foods other than mackerel that he thought Rin would like.  Soon he learned that it didn’t matter what he made; Rin wouldn’t eat it.  He snacks on flavorless crackers when Haru forces him to and watches over him, but otherwise he doesn’t eat.

            He hasn’t been going to school either, and he can’t swim.  He was granted a temporary leave of absence for the semester, but time’s almost up and he’s not getting any better.  Haru considered taking him to a hospital and having him looked at, but without Rin’s permission he can’t be admitted unless something drastic happens.  And by some miracle he’s managed to go this long without an incident.  He can’t keep it up, though, and Haru knows it.

            It’s been 72 days since the accident.  Seventy-two days since Haru got the call saying two of his closest friends were in the hospital.  He’d ditched practice that day and all but sprinted over to see them.  He’d run into Yamazaki in the waiting room.  His face had been buried in his hands, a detail that still stands out to Haru when he remembers the day.  (He tries not to.)

            He’d sat next to the other, and they hadn’t exchanged words the entire time.  The silence had only been broken when the nurse walked in and informed them that they were both stable enough to visit.  They’d been placed in separate rooms, and so he and Yamazaki had parted ways.

            From what he heard later, Rin had never fully entered into a coma.  He was kept unconscious during the emergency care by the drugs so his body could heal without interference.  But not everything was able to fully heal.  Even now Rin has a scar across his chest that Haru only sees when he has to force Rin to shower.

            Makoto wasn’t so lucky.

            By the time they let Haru into the room, he’d already slipped into the coma.  The nurses came in and out every half hour to check on him.  His condition was stable, but only to the point that it made no sense to keep him in the ER.  Instead he was in the intensive care unit.  He looked the worse for the wear, and when Haru held his hand between nurse visits, he noticed how cold it was.  His face and body had clearly taken a beating from what had happened.  (A boating accident, he heard later, but Rin wouldn’t say anything further.)

            He was there when Makoto slipped.

            The machines went off; horrible beeping sounds, and then an army of nurses piled in the room and pushed Haru away so they could work.  They moved Makoto to a bed with wheels and raced him back down the hallway where Haru couldn’t follow.  It was around that time that Yamazaki had found him; Rin had woken up.

            Haru remembered when they were told.  He didn’t take it well, falling back onto the chair behind him rather than saying anything; the rest of the room disappearing into the background.  He missed how Rin nearly leapt out of bed, screaming that they were lying and that this couldn’t be true.  He missed Rin thrashing around as it took no less than three nurses and Yamazaki to ease him back down.  He missed the sedative they had to administer Rin to keep him calm after that.  He missed how Rin reluctantly fell asleep with tears still in his eyes.

            Rin was put on suicide watch for the next few days.  It was more because he didn’t seem to realize he was injured than anything else.  Some of his internal organs had taken damage, and whenever he went into one of his “fits” as the nurses called it, he risked internal bleeding.  It took an entire two weeks for them to calm him down enough that he could heal.  By that time, Haru had already started to neatly pack away his feelings.  He’d been told about the boat accident, vague details like the boat crashing on hidden rocks and a passing fisherman calling it in, and at this point he knew he was lucky to at least have one of them alive still.  Even if Rin was nearly impossible to reason with.

            By the time the hospital released him, Rin had become an empty shell of himself.  Makoto’s family had taken care of his body already, but they waited to hold the funeral until Rin was released.  They handed a few select personal items of Makoto’s to Rin and a few others to Haru, and for the first time in his life, Haru found himself forced to be the social one.

            Rin’s family had offered to take him in for a bit, but both Haru and Rin had refused.  Rin admitted to Haru once later that being near Iwatobi was too painful.  So he’d gone back to Tokyo with Haru.

            Since that day, Rin hadn’t cried.  Haru had woken up to strange sounds in the night that he thought was crying, but later discovered it was Rin’s screams he’d been repressing by shoving his fist in his mouth and biting down till he bled.  Haru had cleaned up his hand without asking any questions and gave him a special pillow to use instead.  The injuries healed and never reappeared.

            Life with Rin like this had become silent though.  Haru had never been the loud type, but there was something about this kind of quiet which disturbed him.  Rin rarely left the apartment, and when he did it was on the rare occasion Yamazaki was able to come visit.  He’d talked to Haru about finding Rin some help, but Rin didn’t want any help and neither Haru nor Yamazaki could force it on him.

            The seventy-second night, Rin doesn’t fall asleep.  He’s sitting in front of the window again, staring blindly into the city, and Haru decides that 72 days is enough.  He misses Rin.  Makoto had been the only one taken from him that day, but more often than not it feels like they both died.

            “Rin you should come to bed.”  Usually when he says that, Rin will.  He’ll follow Haru obediently, crawl into bed, and cling to him.  Sometimes he falls asleep for a bit, but more often than not he just waits till he thinks Haru’s sleeping and slips back over to the chair by the window.

            Tonight doesn’t seem to be following the pattern.  Rin doesn’t move from where he’s sitting.  He just stares out the window as if he didn’t hear Haru.

            “Rin, you should come to bed,” Haru repeats louder.

            “I’m never gonna get to touch him again.”

            Haru just blinks.  Those are the first words Rin’s spoken since he asked to stay with Haru instead of his family.  He’d almost forgotten what Rin’s voice sounded like.  “What?”  He asks finally.

            “Not even hold hands or kiss.”  A single tear escapes Rin’s eye and falls down his cheek.  Haru knows better than to interrupt.  “He’s just gone, and it’s all my fault.”

            “No, Rin –“

            He doesn’t seem to hear Haru.  “Why did I have to take him boating that day?  He was terrified of the ocean!  Why did I think I could change that!?  What was I thinking!?”  Rin’s starting to get hysterical, so Haru does the only thing logical; he kneels down, wrapping his arms around Rin and makes soothing noises. 

            It doesn’t help much.  “I put him on that boat and I steered it too close to the rocks and I…and I…and I killed him, Haru!  It’s my fault!  It’s my fault.  It’s my fault…It’s my…”  He cokes on his words, the tears escaping unencumbered, and Haru stays as he is, holding Rin tight.

            They stay that way for a while; Rin sobbing as Haru kneels next to him with his arms around him.  Finally, Rin calms down enough that he stops shaking.  This is his chance, Haru realizes.  This is his chance to bring Rin back.  The _real_ Rin.  Not this shell that’s been haunting his apartment for months.  “Come to bed,” he whispers soothingly, letting Rin go and standing up.

            Rin nods and stands slowly, wiping his eyes.  In this moment, looking so vulnerable, he reminds Haru of the first time Rin came back to him.  That year seems ages ago given everything that’s happened since.  He grabs the hem of Haru’s shirt and holds on as he follows him to the bedroom.  There’s nothing romantic about the two of them sharing a bed; Rin just can’t sleep alone.  He knows that.

            Haru turns off the lights, and they climb into bed.  He feels Rin cling to him like he is wont to do, but this time it’s different.  This time Haru isn’t afraid to wake up and find Rin taken from him.

            “We were going to get married,” Rin whispered to the darkness.  Haru raises his eyebrows but doesn’t respond.  “I got a ring and everything, but it was lost when…”  He doesn’t have to finish his sentence for Haru to piece together what he meant.  “How am I supposed to live without him?”

            “I don’t know.”

            Rin nods, his hair tickling the back of Haru’s neck as he does so.  “I’m sorry, Haru.”

            Haru closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.  “I forgive you,” he responds, amazed at how easily the words slip from his lips.

            “Tomorrow…take me to get help?”  Rin asks, his voice small.

            It would be strange to turn around now and break that fragile barrier they have in their friendship.  So Haru just takes a deep breath again, feeling his shoulders relax for the first time in months.  “Sleep, Rin.  Sleep.”

            He does.


End file.
